Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
