guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
