Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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