Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
