i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
