I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
