I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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