Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
