Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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