i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
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Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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