I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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