I just threw up on my dentist
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
