then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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