I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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