I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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