I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
