I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I touched a dick in church today
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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