I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm sobbing to NWA
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
