I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
