my phone needs a breathalizer
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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