:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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