If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
