i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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