She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
