i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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