omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
