He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
