this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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