Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
