"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
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Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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