dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
