I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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