Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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