Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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