My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
