gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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