I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
