See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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