so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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