Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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