How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Let's get the cat blown out
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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