New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
