Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
