You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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