Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
