either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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