I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
