Can i not drive my cunt home
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
