I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
