for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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