I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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