All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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