I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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