I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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