I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
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I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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