ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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