Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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