I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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