Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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