He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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