apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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