even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
