I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
