she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
