imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
