you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
